Something sounds fishy...

When we moved into our 1950's abode, we found all manner of interesting paraphenalia stashed under our house.

Old sieves, anodised lights, hand carved walking sticks, very cool laminate and a big terracotta bowl on 3 legs. I'm far from being "turned on" by all things modern and "terracottery" but this bowl really floated my boat..maybe it had something to do with the tripod legs...a little Sputnik if you ask me...stay with me here...visualise an oversized glazed ashtray.

I've always wanted an outdoor fish pond, complete with bailer shells for the fish to hide in to "play cards" and generally run amock out of the sight of prying eyes.

My Nephew, whom we shall come to know as "Chef-Man", water proofed the bowl for me so that we could rush to the local pet store ASAP to purchase fish.....the bowl sat in our garage for three months whilst I waited for "Don Draper" to change out of his suit and tie and make time to fill the bowl with water.

Eventually "Don" and our Son "Elroy Jetson" jumped in Don's car, the "Black mambaaaaaagh" and squealed down the road, Johnny Cash blaring for effect.

I made my way to "play" at The Click-Clack Lounge......491A Lutwyche Road, Lutwyche. All matter of fabulousnessess stocked by me - BUY SELL RETRO VINTAGE - BUT I DIGRESS...always the entrepreneur ;)

On my return I found a beautiful display of fish tranquility - bailer shell, TIKI, weeds, 3 little mozzie eating fish and 3 orange gold fish - the gold fish were to be named Buddy, Holly and "Whitey" - yes "Elroy" named Whitey and made him/her (it's difficult to know if fish are Boys or Girls) his own - I realise he/she was named Whitey because of the white flash on his/her face.

Whitey reminded me of a girl I used to hang out with in the 80's - a Goth with orange hair and baby powder on her face - ahh those were the days.

Each morning "Elroy" fed his fish and loved his fish and counted his fish. Until one dreadful morning as he counted 1,2,3,4,5......MUUUUMMMMM - Whitey has gone......I looked all around the bowl, maybe Whitey had a hangover from playing cards too late and was chillin' in the bailer shell.  He/she was no-where to be found. And then....dum dum dum dum duuuuuuu-uuuum. Whitey was found laying next to the bowl in a pool of gelatenous - ness. It's amazing how goldfish go gooey when they've been dead for a few hours.....erk.

A funeral followed. Whitey was buried under the begonia next to the fish bowl, so that he/she could still be near his/her Friends.

What the bloody heck was I going to do to prevent mass hysteria and fish that may become lemmings....I didn't want the other residents to follow suit and "jump off the cliff"....

I dug around in one of my box stashes in our ahem - "garage come storage come restoration room" to find a vintage white mesh curtain, complete with scalloped hem and threw it haphazardly over the bowl. It looked fabulous....NOT!!

"Don Draper" arrived home that night to proclaim - "What the bloody hell is that ugly looking thing thrown over the fish bowl? It makes the whole front patio look like s@&t....."As if our patio didn't already look like s@&t - it is cluttered with all manner of iron outdoor furniture, atomic plant stands, budgie cage hangers, dead cactis (yes, I can kill cactis - a greeen thumb I'm not) and donkey planters. We like to call our patio "The Cafe".

Weeks passed and the once white curtain became covered in green slime and leaves and rotten gold fish flakes. "Why the bloody hell is that ugly looking thing still thrown over the fish bowl, it makes the patio look like s@$t." THANKS DON, I GET IT!!!!!!!!

Off I went to "play" at The Click-Clack Lounge - did I mention where it is????

I arrived home, covered in paint and sweating like a pig. As I prepared to sit in "the cafe" to have a beer and re-group before entering into the caos we know as life, I glanced over to the fish bowl.

The curtain had been trimmed "neatly" using a dark green permanent marker as a guideline for cutting. In each corner, a rock was "sewn" to prevent the curtain from falling into the slimy abyss. A "contrasting" greeny-black stain in the centre complemented the black "stitching" that "Don Draper" had so proudly completed on my sewing machine...I'm fairly sure he used a gathering stitch..either that, or he didn't put the "foot" down on the machine and the machine zoomed out of control.

The threads on the corners were however finished nicely, as "Don" had asked me months ago "Why do you press that button at the end of the material and go backwards and forwards"..I had explained the importance of finishing off the seam....he must have listened to me for a change.....

All-in-all not a bad attempt for a Corporate High Flying Business Man who had only ever sewn one other thing in his life - a sarong which was not wide enough and allowed his quite cute bum to peek out...but again, I digress....

I like to think that "Whitey" is gazing down on her peeps from Deadpet Heaven, her white fluttery feather angel-fish wings (or should I say gold-fish wings) encircling them with love and helping them all to cheat at cards.